Summer was a ride

A recap

When I lived in New York as a college student, I was broke. My parents paid part of my tuition to New York University and I was also expected to pay for everything else. Books, transportation, clothes, seasonally appropriate coats and boots, food, housewares, therapy, medications & medical bills (I was uninsured due to my cancer) - it was all my responsibility. They wanted to teach me a lesson. I still don’t know what that lesson was supposed to be. That being broke sucks? That I shouldn’t have left my home town? That community care is vital to success?

I worked three jobs, sometimes four. It was never enough. Looking back I truly admire my problem solving skills. One year I had, what I thought, was a brilliant idea. For my birthday I purchased a $12.99 sheet cake from Costco. In case you don’t know what a Costco cake looks like, here’s a photo of one from the Christmas season.

It’s huge, 12”x16”. There are 48 servings, supposedly. Doing the math, the price per slice was twenty seven cents. After celebrating with friends I cut up the leftovers and put them in the freezer.  It freezes well. There would be cake for the rest of the year! This was adult budgeting at its finest!!! I had cake for breakfast on my way to my classes - so adult. When that got old I would have cake after coming home from working late - oh yeah. I always offered cake when someone came to visit - how hospitable! There were more than 48 servings, I’m certain. There were at least 480. I ended up hating Costco carrot cake that year. It was too much.

I had plans for this summer as well. What I ended up with was 480 servings of adulting. Jack got a new job in May and settled in and by July it was clear his paycheck didn’t cover our expenses as they were. We were in a serious financial emergency.

I canceled our summer vacation. A fall trip to NYC with a girlfriend over a year in the planning got scrapped. Bills came off of auto pay.  Subscriptions and services were dropped. Anything purchased I could return for a refund, I did. My favorite baker graciously let me cancel the cake I had ordered for our wedding anniversary. In every corner of our lives I looked at how I could quickly bring in cash and stop financial obligations.

I failed at a yard sale. We set it up the Saturday after the 4th of July holiday. It wasn’t the weekend to have a yard sale. No one was in town. It didn’t help that the posters I designed had the wrong date. They had a Saturday in June, long gone, which had been my original yard sale date that didn’t happen because life.

These posters were lovingly posted all over the neighborhood by my husband who went on long walks with the toddler. Since he, too, was also stressed, sleep deprived, and depleted, he didn’t catch the date error either.

My work this July was a master class in stepping up and doing the grown up stuff. I had hard conversations with people we have hired to help us manage our home and lives - babysitters, daycare, yard work, our house cleaner, the handyman.

Gideon and I cried together in grief when I had to answer his direct question if our summer vacation was canceled. We talked about how we are safe, we have a roof over our head, we have food, and we have each other. I promised we would still take a drive to Inverness for the town fair we love going to every year and also to the apple fair in Sebastopol. I couldn’t keep that promise. I got covid and was quarantined that weekend… whomp whomp.

How did we get to the land of finacial ugh?  Well, for starters, our family hasn’t seen a pay raise since 2019. The gas and electric bill is $700 instead of $300 like it was five years ago. We use less of both but prices have increased. The cost of gas for the car has doubled. Same with the water bill. Property taxes are raised every election. Groceries used to be $100 a trip. Those same groceries would now add up to $400. We have a tax bill we are paying off from making Baker. My medical bills have gone up.  We’ve had the same health insurance company but they decided this summer that they were no longer going to cover the medications that keep me alive. We have some debt and because interest rates have risen, like many people, our more than minimum payment doesn’t make much of a dent in the debt.

Ever the alchemist, I did see the harvest of pearls being offered in the muck. Please know that just because I saw the good, it didn’t mean I wasn’t bruised, bloodied, and burned out. I was. I’m only just coming out of it.

If there was one thing I was really proud of though, is that I moved through the really crummy season without a milligram of shame. I never had nightmares about any of it. While it was rough, I knew I could stabilize us. I trusted myself and my track record in taking care of my family.

My perfectionist streak that can come back like a zombie to haunt me, remained quiet in her grave. I was appreciative that my marriage was(is) solid and within it I felt(feel) seen and valued. It carried weight that the kids are alright. Most my creativity went to just managing the daily tasks while I also worked to solve our financial emergency.

There were days I forced myself to pick up a paint brush. It felt like going to physical therapy after a muscle strain. I did manage to finish one painting this summer, a pot of tea. Lord knows I needed one.

Oh! I almost forgot. Since we didn’t have a lot of extra money for our anniversary or Jack’s birthday, I painted him this. He’s a huge fan of bugs. I have been wanting to paint him a bug for years. This isn’t a real bug but all the same, I thought it turned out well.

I got covid in early August, right after celebrating our anniversary and his birthday. By the end of August I was quite done being a grown up. I prayed to the Divine for some relief.

I prayed a lot.

I even took my table top fire pit to the park playdate and burned my bundle of sage, my palo Santo, and cedar - all things to cleanse, protect, and heal. I gave myself and a couple of friends a blessing in hopes that we would find abatement from the pressure we had all been feeling during the summer.

Summer was a ride. Not my favorite and I’m so happy to be done with it and also genuinely proud of how I managed. I really leaned into my pandemic affirmation of “I am here, and that is enough.”

“I’m calling because I hadn’t seen a new Brown Butter post and I wanted to also support your book writing fundraiser.” A lovely friend had picked up her phone and filed an inquiry with management. It meant a great deal to me to be so supported. I knew she represented more than a few people who so kindly look forward to my writings in their inboxes. She also brought to my attention that I never did tell my faithful readers how I did at the county fair. So, let’s revisit!

Remember the vision board I did in January?  You can click here to read that post. You’ll see that one of my 2024 intentions to enter the county fair. You can see some of what got entered here. I had entered in 1997 and had won many ribbons for my baked goods. I thought I hadn’t entered since them but in 2013 I turned in a couple of baked goods and again won some awards. My baking has leveled up, but then so has everyone else’s, and I also had some photography and art I was interested in submitting for the juried gallery.

I had five things accepted for showing. It was really fun to see my work hanging in the outdoor gallery space. The jellyfish are mine.

This photo of my blackberries picked in Point Reyes Station last summer, won the Alameda County Fair Theme rosette. It also came with a $150 cash prize!

My banana bread won all the awards - Best in Show, Judges’ Favorite, and First Place. I never got a proper photo because it was a miracle I even got the bread baked. My dear friend from childhood got one though!

My apple pie won 3rd place. The Ted Lasso Shortbread and the blackberry pie won Honorable Mention ribbons.

My kiddo also won his first ribbon, a Third Place for a pencil drawing called Reflection. That’s his boat just to the left of his elbow.

When we got our entries returned and our ribbons, I hung our work up on the dining area wall.

While summer wasn’t fun, this new season we are entering has welcomed me gently. My friend Lindsay came over and she helped me get my studio organized and ready for all that’s being worked on in here. It’s been in various stages of disaster and organized over the years. She passed down to me the big blue rug and also offered to help me lay it down - but first we would tidy the space.

If this summer gifted me anything it was the ability to show up just where I was. Without shame. When friends invited us to the local brewery, I was able to say without shame, “We’d love to but it’s not in the budget.” I was able to speak to friends about the ugh without saying, “If I had only been more on top of things.” We had been as on top of things. We’re just managing life with two kids.

Most of the summer I had a serious case of emotional and spiritual vertigo and I didn’t even try and hide it. I owned my messy, imperfect, amazingly creative self every single day. It was gold medal work.

I keep saying that sharing our stories matters. I really believe that in sharing we make space for others to feel less alone, we give permission to be human, and we find and feel our own Light. That’s been my experience anyway.

I am so excited to share with you all what’s coming up. I head out for my writer’s retreat later this week. If you’d like to support the book that’s being worked on during that time, you can click the “Leave a tip” link below. When I get back in town I will be delivering 13 of my Day of the Dead themed photographs for showing at a month long exhibit in Hayward, California. My work will be hung on the walls of the Hayward Area Historical Society Museum of History & Culture as well as the gallery space at the Hayward Library. Those photos will also get posted here in October.

Thank you for your continued support.