We all need a Valentino
and an internal parent
“Mama, it’s just that sometimes when I’m tired I feel like an asshole.”
“Um, let’s talk about this. Can you explain with different words than those so I can better understand what you’re trying to tell me?”
“I just feel like sometimes when I’m tired, my brain feels like goo.”
“Oh. Well THAT I completely understand. Our brains can absolutely feel like goo when we are tired. But let me ask you… are you bombing Ukraine right now?" (we’ve had the war talk)
“No.”
“Are you hurting anyone on purpose right now?"
“No.”
“Did you cut me off while I was driving and did you create unsafe conditions with your driving?”
“No. I’m only 7! I don’t drive!”
“Okay, then I think it’s safe to say you’re not an asshole.”
“You’re right.”
“Let’s talk about this though because there have been a few moments recently where the way you are talking about yourself is of concern to me. I want you to think about something… if I had a friend, someone I care about a whole lot, and I said things like, ‘Ugh you’re so dumb! You’re such an asshole! You can’t do anything right. You’re not creative. You’re not very good at that.’ If you heard me saying those things to someone I love, what would you think?"
“I would think that wasn’t okay at all.”
“Exactly. And you know, I totally get it that sometimes we struggle because our brains and bodies are tired or things aren’t going the way we thought. Sometimes our brains say these things to us and you know what that is?”
“What?"
“That’s trash talking. It’s complete garbage. Garbage words, trash ideas, trash talk. And it’s mean and ugly and down right stinky huh?”
“Yeah.”
“So where do we put trash?”
“In the garbage.”
“Right. So I want you to take your hand and put it on your hip. You see how you now have this space you’ve created?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s your trashcan. So whenever your brain starts trash talking you pull that thought or those thoughts from your head and you toss that into the trashcan where it belongs.”
“What if I tossed it into the ocean like I want to do to Donald Trump and Putin.”
“I would approve of that. That would work.”
“And then I want you to talk to yourself the way you would talk to your dearest friend. I want you to say, “I love you,” the same way you say it to me so sweetly. I want you to honor your need for rest or a snuggle. And if you need one you can always come and find me for a hug like you do. Does that sound like a better way to handle your brain and feelings?”
“Yeah. Thanks mom.”
Jack and I have been working on how to handle the negative self talk we are hearing come out of him as of late. We’ve tried reminding him of how we see him and who we know him to be. I also know this only goes so far. Teaching him how to talk to himself is something I was never taught to do. I had to figure that out on my own and I’m still working on it.
For starters, I think we all need a hype person in our heads. In Gideon’s class there’s a little guy named Valentino. Man, if I could bottle up Valentino’s hype, I totally would. Valentino has this generous way of seeing the good and being so wowed by it. He’s not shy about telling you either.
“Gideon is the BEST human!” Valentino exclaimed one day while he hung on the fence as Gideon was climbing into the car. When I asked what inspired him to say that he said with relish, “He’s just a really nice kid and funny too.”
The day after I cut Gideon’s hair Valentino went up to Gideon standing in line, “Hi, I’m Valentino.” Gideon gave him side eye as he introduced himself. “Valentino, it’s me, Gideon.” Valentino’s eyes widened and he was so surprised, “Gideon!!! I didn’t even recognize you!!! your hair is different!!!” “My mom cut my hair,” Gideon said. “Wait, your mom gave you that cool haircut???? It’s soooooo cool!!!!!!!”
“Gideon, I’ve never had a better cookie in my whole entire life,” was his review of the cookies I made for the class when they celebrated Gideon’s birthday with a snack. He talked about that cookie for a whole week according to Gideon’s daily reports.
This morning as Gideon was dragging himself to the line, Valentino saw him kinda slumped over and while standing in line he began rubbing his back. Gideon said he was tired. Valentino offered up some tips and tricks to Gideon to wake up his brain in the morning. He then offered him a hug. Gideon told me later, “He actually gives really good hugs, mom.”
Yesterday when Gideon had a meltdown during “Sports for Learning” Valentino was the one who was there first to console him. Valentino really sounds like one of those hype coaches that takes their job to keep you motivated as a personal achievement.
Can you imagine a life where we all had access to our internal Valentino?! What if we saw the good in ourselves FIRST. What if we had empathy for ourselves when we were sad or tired. I can imagine my therapist nodding in approval and prescribing an inner Valentino paired with my internal loving parent.
I think a lot about all the ways we parent Gideon. We make sure he gets good rest. We are aware that play is really important and we work to prioritize it for him. We try and have him eat fruits and veggies, yogurt, and protein to support his brain, digestion, and growth. We listen to him making a special effort to do so without judgement. We ask about his day, his wins, and his struggles. We work to have him understand that perfection isn’t the goal but rather effort, practice, and learning are. We notice when he needs time with friends, time with just us, and time by himself and we honor all of that. We don’t say, “Why can’t you just be smarter, less emotional, or tidier?!” (Don’t get me wrong, the mess can get to me but never have I wished for my kid to be not himself in these moments.) Whoever he is, whatever his daily offering is, even on his grumpiest days, it is enough. Even if I get frustrated, annoyed, or exasperated, it is enough. Tough stuff will pass. We try really hard to give him and ourselves as parents space and grace while also giving him helpful boundaries.
I’m actually trying to mother myself in similar fashion.