My Way Out - Survival Guide
My map out of the pandemic
“You sound so good!” My pen pal exclaimed.
This would not have been the assessment several months ago. Over summer I was tired of the to-do list. I was disheartened by the relentlessness of the pandemic. A trip to Hawaii in May was supposed to be a fun vacation but it wasn’t at all. I was unmotivated to finish any of the projects I had started and I felt I was failing at being… everything. Most mornings I would wake up and not want to do the day.
I was VERY judgey of these feelings. We have a very peaceful home, it’s lovely, we have friends we can hug and spend time with safely, Jack has a great job, our partnership is solid, we have our health, our kid was thriving in summer camps… so what the fuck was my problem? The problem was, I was living through a pandemic.
A friend asked me to listen to Brené Brown’s summer podcast The Gifts of Imperfection. I was invited to participate in an intimate Facebook group and straight out of the gate I offended my friend. I laugh about that now, not about offending her, but about how I was the poster child of spiritual mess. Talk about Divine timing. I removed myself from the Facebook group and decided it was probably best to work on my shit with my therapist.
If you don’t know Brené Brown, you can start by watching her Ted Talk here. This Ted Talk went viral in 2010. A shame researcher and storyteller, her work has helped people grow and build healthier lives. She talks, writes, and speaks a lot about shame, vulnerability, and connection.
“Connection is why we are here. It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.” I listened to Brené say that while I was researching for this post.“THIS!” I exclaimed. In that moment I realized that even though she was giving this talk in 2010, THIS is why the pandemic has continued to feel so heavy. We have been so disconnected - from our friends and family, our communities, our places of worship, prayer, and meditation, from our celebrations, and rituals. Those of us with a spiritual practice or community awareness have felt disconnected from Source, from the Divine, from Light, from the the Whole. Many of us with children have carried the disconnection our kids have felt. We have carried their grief and their loss. The weight of our mental load has made us feel disconnected especially from ourselves.
Without connection we lose purpose and meaning. This is profound loss. The grief is real. If you read my post from a few weeks back here, you know I get it.
Before diving into The Gifts of Imperfection podcast there were instructions to take a personal inventory assessment. Click the box if you’d like to see where you are.
Here are my results from early summer. The point was not to shame myself with the results. Preferably, I would see my strengths and consider areas where there was an opportunity for growth.
In the summer podcast Brené and her sisters talk about the results as a gas tank. My strongest line is Guidepost 1, “letting go of what people think.” You’ll see I have more than 3/4 of a tank of authenticity. Guidepost 7 shows that I was feeling the pandemic: “anxiety as a lifestyle.” Back then I wasn’t finding much calm and stillness. The one that annoyed me most was Guidepost 7, “exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self worth.” I was pretty sure I was doing better at letting go of that! I then saw that the whole hearted living side said, “play & rest.” Well, I was doing neither playing or resting.
Brené’s research says that in order for connection to happen we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen. This exercise helped me see myself in a way that wasn’t judgey or demeaning. I didn’t feel like I was failing yet again when I looked at the results. I was able to sit and acknowledge, “this has been remarkably hard,” and I found something solid that said, “you are here.” Once I saw where I was, it was possible to find my way out of the dark.
“One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else's survival guide. ~Brené Brown
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to just survive the pandemic. That is not enough for me. I’m worth more than just surviving this. I don’t want to wait until things “go back to normal,” before I feel like myself again. I am worthy of so much more than that.
In the last months I have made specific changes as a direct result of this work. I now say yes anytime Gideon invites me to dance. My house is now messier and it is part of my prayer of self-compassion. I took myself on retreat and got clear on my values. I started sitting in parking lots and I turn up the music and sing. Though the pandemic is still very much here, you can clearly see the adjustments on the assessment I took today. I’m not just surviving, I’m thriving.
Below I have mashed up both assessments on top of each other so you can see the growth that has taken place. You’ll also note that the one small decrease was on Guidepost 1. Back when the first assessment was done I was really authentic about my feelings around the shit show that has been the pandemic and I didn’t care who knew it. I’ll take that small decrease because I believe it’s still growth from summer. While I have shifted just a hair to care what people think, I believe it’s a healthy shift. I now have this space and you, my readers who I value tremendously.
Brené Brown taught me that the word “courage” comes from the Latin cor, meaning “heart.” It means, “to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.” Where am I? Where do I want to be? How can I get there? These are all such valuable questions. They were questions I didn’t have the energy to even know how to ask earlier this year. The assessment really helped me find where I could cultivate some healing.
I believe we are worthy of connection, especially with our own selves, now. I know we are worthy of a better life NOW. The pandemic has already taken so much and it’s going to be what it will be. I refuse to let it decide for me how my story unfolds from here.
I’m gonna have Jennifer Hudson play us out of this post with her song from Dream Girls, I Am Changing which you can listen to here.
For all things Brené Brown including her podcast from this summer, her books, more videos, fantastic downloads, her two podcasts Unlocking Us and Dare to Lead, and so much more, please visit her website at brenebrown.com
Thank you for your continued support. If you haven’t already done so, please consider upgrading your subscription if you have been enjoying my posts. When you subscribe they get emailed directly to you.
Friends don’t let friends miss out on the good stuff in life. Brown Butter needs to be read.